SO how are you?

It has been hard o keep walking the line. Not to give in, or give up, or stray into the territory of the people I'm trying to resist.

Malevolent forces in my work place. It can be hard when I work in such a small group of colleagues to swim against the current of what goes on. Nothing new, but I think it has probably been a tough year and I haven't been in a place where I've had excess energy to make this easy.

That's where the knitting has come in.

Something peaceful and absorbing which allows me to get absorbed in something else for a while. It satisfies the parts of me which like colour and texture, the bits which enjoy feeling, squishy, soft, shiny and smooth, the creative bits which relish producing something, a sock, a scarf, anything, made from nothing by my own hand.

The process is often like a kind of meditation, rhythmic and repetitive.
It's also currently helping at work, as I take in the current sock for a few minutes knitting at lunchtime, and it helps me keep out of the toxic conversations which wash around me.

PLus if I get it wrong, nothing too bad happens.

Yummy.

I have been delighted to get a parcel with new needles in it, lovely nickel ones and some wooden little ones, I experienced that moment of horror when I first looked and thought...how am I going to knit with those? The 15cms long ones looked so short.
But then I started using them and lo! I am re born.

Other glorious stuff going on at the moment includes a fabulous rocking chair, it actually 'glides' no really it does and it is divine to sit in.

And the wood burner stove has arrived and hopefully will not burn down my 'shed' or sanctuary as it shall now be known...can you see the plan emerging from the mist?

Yep cosy stove in shed, making cups of tea, and sitting knitting in my gliding chair, out in the garden.....I know I sound like an old lady, and possibly somewhat exccentric, you don't always get what you want, but sometimes you need what you get.

Going up, going down

I am living some fairly normal life events, things that people in stable civilised countries encounter throughout life.

I feel that I have adequate skills and knowledge to allow me to face them with resignation and patience, and get through them.

I am becoming aware of what other people find to say about it when I share the info about my life events. I also wonder how I respond to people who tell me about their troubles.

I am becoming very tired by the jolly up people who believe that I will benefit from being told empty platitudes, and although I know that platitudes can be the oil that allows other more fruitful conversations to get going, I know that sometimes they just the whole thing down.

The scariest one so far is the " things can only get better now", I guess I am somewhat pessimistic in nature, but even allowing for that if you thought for even a minute before you may realise that there are many and various bad things that can result from where I am now, and when I report back from living through those events how awful is it going to be to get that conversation going.

Argh

Apparently "Tesco is committed to helping you/me spend less everyday".

Let's all reflect very briefly on that.

Yes so now we all know that is a lie on many levels, and although I know that advertising is full of misleading and sugared deceptions this one is a doosy.

IF they were committed to helping me spend less they would be shut an awful lot more, not fill their stores with endless tat. They would not indulge in loss leaders, reward card superfuge research and whatever other brain washing techniques they seem to be employing.

I recall a Mitchell and Webb sketch about the aftermath of the Tesco induced social armegeddon. It had a ring of prophesy.

Squishy squishy.

I now find it necessary to feel things. That is when I am presented with something new, especially fabrics, clothing, yarn I may or may not be purchasing, I have to feel. I need to put my hands on it and squeeze it a little, and sometimes I also need to press it to my nose too. Eurgh. I was talking to the therapist about this and found that she recognised this too, and we spent some time thinking about why that would be. Some toddler reflex that has reanimated. Perhaps all that learning styles stuff about people who like to learn by doing, possibly. But I think I now crave more sensation, and instead of just looking at things I allow myself the other bits as well. Hell I may know what it looks like but how does it feel, and smell?

My friend noticed it as we went round a garden centre together. He complained that I was feeling all the furry leaves, and then I realised it may look a bit freaky sometimes. Like the time I approached a classmate and asked if I could feel her skirt.....Socialisation gone a bit gumpy there I guess, but hey I feel tired of depriving myself of the things I like all the time so that I can fit in. A tough one to balance with Christian values, and not necessarily healthy to pursue too far but just now, in this particular context I'm not hurting anybody by fondling my way round John Lewis and touching plants and bit of clothing. Yet.

Tum te tum

Here is where I am at. I have finished these recently, and as I am very poor at blocking things these are pre pictures. They will next be appearing at Christmas I think.

Tonight I might go to a knitting group I have found in the nearby city. I have never been to a knitting group before, and I am not sure whether it will be a good thing or not. Guess I may only find out if I venture down, I suppose my worst case is sitting in the corner, or right in the thoroughfare of this cafe and no body saying anything to me. I know I'll be able to say hello and introduce myself, but I also know the cold chill when I've been to mum and tot groups, introduced myself and then been cold shouldered for the rest of a very long play session. *sigh*.

I suppose there will be nothing lost however as I don't know anyone at all in this group and so if I walk out and never come back I haven't lost anyone.

I don't smell

I am annoyed, I have noticed an advert and it beginning to feel like an enormous ulcer that I keep biting.
It's for some perfume, there's a blonde woman who pulls faces and pouts into camera whilst a **** Beatles track plays 'baby you can drive my car' ( another posting there about how I am growing to hate the Beatles music).

I think what troubles me is that the ad people think I will buy this perfume because I aspire to be like this woman, the reason she is such an aspirational figure appears to be her floppy blonde hair, ability to smile broadly and pull faces, the ability to bop along to a banal beatles track....I'm sure there are important sub texts here about her socio-economic group, education and desirability based on this but please, I ask you is that it??

I was wondering about my eyebrows, you see, about how they would look if someone else shaped them as I believe you can pay people to do that (?!?), and then I wondered what it would be like to go on one of those make over programs where they assemble you friends and family and there's a big reveal and everyone crys and say how amazing you look, ( hmm so you were all biting your tongues before cos I looked so ridiculous, where as with an inch of slap and this tacky outfit on makes me into a REAL person eh?). I thought that the aim of those programs seems to be to homogenise people, OK , women, into a facsimile of something more acceptable. Smarter, more colourful, shinier, with taller heels, accessories and jewellery.

What if we don't want to look the same, what if I disagree that that is nicer,are they actually peddling the idea that I would be better if I looked like everyone else.

I often wonder if those people look like they do pre-makeover, because that's how they feel, and rather than send them off to shop someone should offer them six months of self care, self esteem and confidence building and someone sensible to listen to them for an hour a week, that might be better, then they could chose their own clothes and end up owning somethings they actually like and which reflect who they are.

I also wonder about this as I look at my nieces mates, there she is with a bunch of 6 girls all looking happy and cool cos they are 17 and they are having the time of their lives. Out of the six, two look like real people and the others all look like identikit mock ups of 17 year olds and look eerily the same.

Fashion. How can that be? What is it about wearing variations of what lots of other people think would be good for people to wear this year I ask you, what's that all about?