Argh

Apparently "Tesco is committed to helping you/me spend less everyday".

Let's all reflect very briefly on that.

Yes so now we all know that is a lie on many levels, and although I know that advertising is full of misleading and sugared deceptions this one is a doosy.

IF they were committed to helping me spend less they would be shut an awful lot more, not fill their stores with endless tat. They would not indulge in loss leaders, reward card superfuge research and whatever other brain washing techniques they seem to be employing.

I recall a Mitchell and Webb sketch about the aftermath of the Tesco induced social armegeddon. It had a ring of prophesy.

Squishy squishy.

I now find it necessary to feel things. That is when I am presented with something new, especially fabrics, clothing, yarn I may or may not be purchasing, I have to feel. I need to put my hands on it and squeeze it a little, and sometimes I also need to press it to my nose too. Eurgh. I was talking to the therapist about this and found that she recognised this too, and we spent some time thinking about why that would be. Some toddler reflex that has reanimated. Perhaps all that learning styles stuff about people who like to learn by doing, possibly. But I think I now crave more sensation, and instead of just looking at things I allow myself the other bits as well. Hell I may know what it looks like but how does it feel, and smell?

My friend noticed it as we went round a garden centre together. He complained that I was feeling all the furry leaves, and then I realised it may look a bit freaky sometimes. Like the time I approached a classmate and asked if I could feel her skirt.....Socialisation gone a bit gumpy there I guess, but hey I feel tired of depriving myself of the things I like all the time so that I can fit in. A tough one to balance with Christian values, and not necessarily healthy to pursue too far but just now, in this particular context I'm not hurting anybody by fondling my way round John Lewis and touching plants and bit of clothing. Yet.

Tum te tum

Here is where I am at. I have finished these recently, and as I am very poor at blocking things these are pre pictures. They will next be appearing at Christmas I think.

Tonight I might go to a knitting group I have found in the nearby city. I have never been to a knitting group before, and I am not sure whether it will be a good thing or not. Guess I may only find out if I venture down, I suppose my worst case is sitting in the corner, or right in the thoroughfare of this cafe and no body saying anything to me. I know I'll be able to say hello and introduce myself, but I also know the cold chill when I've been to mum and tot groups, introduced myself and then been cold shouldered for the rest of a very long play session. *sigh*.

I suppose there will be nothing lost however as I don't know anyone at all in this group and so if I walk out and never come back I haven't lost anyone.

I don't smell

I am annoyed, I have noticed an advert and it beginning to feel like an enormous ulcer that I keep biting.
It's for some perfume, there's a blonde woman who pulls faces and pouts into camera whilst a **** Beatles track plays 'baby you can drive my car' ( another posting there about how I am growing to hate the Beatles music).

I think what troubles me is that the ad people think I will buy this perfume because I aspire to be like this woman, the reason she is such an aspirational figure appears to be her floppy blonde hair, ability to smile broadly and pull faces, the ability to bop along to a banal beatles track....I'm sure there are important sub texts here about her socio-economic group, education and desirability based on this but please, I ask you is that it??

I was wondering about my eyebrows, you see, about how they would look if someone else shaped them as I believe you can pay people to do that (?!?), and then I wondered what it would be like to go on one of those make over programs where they assemble you friends and family and there's a big reveal and everyone crys and say how amazing you look, ( hmm so you were all biting your tongues before cos I looked so ridiculous, where as with an inch of slap and this tacky outfit on makes me into a REAL person eh?). I thought that the aim of those programs seems to be to homogenise people, OK , women, into a facsimile of something more acceptable. Smarter, more colourful, shinier, with taller heels, accessories and jewellery.

What if we don't want to look the same, what if I disagree that that is nicer,are they actually peddling the idea that I would be better if I looked like everyone else.

I often wonder if those people look like they do pre-makeover, because that's how they feel, and rather than send them off to shop someone should offer them six months of self care, self esteem and confidence building and someone sensible to listen to them for an hour a week, that might be better, then they could chose their own clothes and end up owning somethings they actually like and which reflect who they are.

I also wonder about this as I look at my nieces mates, there she is with a bunch of 6 girls all looking happy and cool cos they are 17 and they are having the time of their lives. Out of the six, two look like real people and the others all look like identikit mock ups of 17 year olds and look eerily the same.

Fashion. How can that be? What is it about wearing variations of what lots of other people think would be good for people to wear this year I ask you, what's that all about?

Ah hem

SO that sore throat has become something a bit more noticeable as of this afternoon, I have no voice left really, and it really hurts, plus the small pain in the back of my head.

I wonder.

I have been reading all my updates and undertsand lots of useful info about H1N1, and really I have wondered more about the when than the if, but I realy do hope this isn't it, and that they rest of the family don;t get ill.

No fever so until that strikes I shall try and ignore it a bit and hope for the best. I don't actually feel ill ill, so that it probably the best thing.

I may just go and sit out side in the brief bit of sunshine I can see outside, after torrential rain and here I am wearing a jumper in July !!! it will most likely be a tonic...either that or I'll get a chill and will succumb after all.

It has been salutory observing the unfolding press coverage of this pandemic and I kind of hoped that that would be the nearest we'd come, there is so much going on that I could see a huge hole being ripped in our summer if we get ill, but we don't get to decide so best to embrace what will be, drink fluids and hope, and pray.

Clouds Drifting

I have entered a new place in life recently, and although I can't guarantee that I shall stay here it has a great deal of novelty.

I am committing myself to meeting new people, inviting them round, arranging to spend mornings out with them, going round for lunch, feeding them my very own cooking.

Now I am aware that very many other people manage this without a second thought and thrive on it, and no I haven't been a hermit for most of my life. But I have been a bit shy, and a bit scared that I wont be any good at it, and that people wont actually like me, or will get food poisoning from my food, or that the conversation will dry up and there will be .... awkward silences........................................

But here I am , having a go, doing something new and trying out being a more confident and sociable person, as if I felt sure that people would like my company and enjoy hanging out with me, and mostly it seems that that is true.

Wow.

I wonder if the sock knitting had anything to do with it.

Possibly my recent stint of personal therapy has increased my self acceptance or something, or possibly I am just acting like the persona I want to be , or that person I am really underneath the insecurities. Dunno.

Leave me wondering what I should try out next.

Where shall I find?

I have finished knitting a pair of socks.

They are the first pair of socks I have ever attempted and although their are signs of the learning experience they do fit and look very realistic.

I feel all brand new, because it is still delightful to do new things for the first time, and to achieve a new skill.

Good eh?